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As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my private and professional life. It frustrates my close ones and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that counseling might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a safe space to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or being seen, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and anxiety.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This process will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.